I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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