I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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