Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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