it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
