Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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