I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
