my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
