apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
