I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize