You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Randomize
