i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
