I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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