the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
