So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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