I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
they need to just BURY HIM!
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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