omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
