Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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