So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
