the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
He literally asked permission to hit on me
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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