I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
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