Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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