i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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