i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
