i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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