im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
my shit smells like andre
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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