He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
