You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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