Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
We are all done wearing pants today
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
