is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
