Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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