I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
