he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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