I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
how drunk are you?
Several
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize