Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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