tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
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