I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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