my mouth tastes like poor choices
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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