My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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