I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
