dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
