my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
