You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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