smell my finger.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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