I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Randomize
