Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
they need to just BURY HIM!
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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