I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize