Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
