I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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