genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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