glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
