Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
