he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
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