one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize