I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
