Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
This show inspires me to have sex in space
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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