This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
