I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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