I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
