It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
