When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
