my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
