There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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