He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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