In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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