not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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