you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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