sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
