If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He literally asked permission to hit on me
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
